SO CLOSE TO JESUS ...
- ... He validates my parking.
- ... We have joint checking.
- ... The jews don't believe in me either.
- ... He's given me His loaves and fish recipe.
- ... He Has Many Times Brought People Back From The Dead Simply So That I Can Have the "Last Word".
- ... We're thinking of taking separate vacations this year.
- ... He Brings All My Plants Back to Life When I Forget to Water Them.
- ... I'm allowed
to sin all day on Thursdays.
- ... He's Seen Me Without Make-up (once).
- ... His Oedipal Mother Has Taken To Referring To Me as "That Woman".
- ... He Uses My Birthday When He Buys Lotto Tickets.
- ... I've Asked Him To Move Over Just Bit (I'm a tish claustrophobic).
- ... Mary Refers to me as "Yoko Bowers".
- ... He Say "Wind Beneath My Wings" To Me at my Surprise Birthday Party.
... There is Talk of a Holy Quadrant.
- ... We Bought Season Tickets For the Paris Opera Together.
- ... He Designates Me On Forms That Require A "Contact In Case of Emergency"
(as His Father has foresaken Him before).
- ... I Know His AOL Password.
- ... He Is Scheduling the Apocalypse To Give Me Time to Be Fitted For A Fabulous Outfit Suitable for Judging.
- ... I'm His Webmaster.
- ... We've Bought Investment Property Together.
- ... We Are Spending The Weekend Together in the Hamptons
(and I always know it will be a sunny, lovely day).
- ... He's Waiving The Carry-On Baggage Limitations for My Ascension.
- ... Our Crucifixes Share a Cross-Beam.
- ... we sang "I Got You babe" at karaoke night at the town club last night.
- ... That the other 2/3 of the trinity have been sneering and making bad Yoko Ono jokes.
- ... I'm # 3 On His Speed-Dial.
- ... I always ask for a "table for two" even when dining
- ... I always drive in the HOV lanes.
- ... For My Birthday He Is Surprising Me With A Lovely Meteor Shower
(try not to be in China/Burma/Laos/Cambodia/Thailand in January).
- ... The Hotel Manager Always Smirks When I Check in "Alone".
- ... I only Have Four Commandments.
- ... I Am Verily Awash in the Blood of The Lamb
(you should see my dry cleaning bills!).
- ... Delta Allows us to Pool Our SkyMiles.
- ... We File Joint Tax Returns.
- ... That Communion Is Like Leftovers.
- ... He's opened up to me about His Martyr Complex.
- ... He Turns A Deaf Ear to the Prayers of Those Who Snub Me at Parties.
- ... I'm His Co-Pilot.
- ... I Can Stop By Without Praying First.
- ... I wear safety goggles so His crown of thorns doesn't poke me in the eye.
- ... We have Identical DNA.
If God Created Me In His Image,
I Have More Than Returned The Compliment!